cOnFuSiOn

I've just been so confused lately, I don't even know what to write.
I mean, I'm going home in like, 5 weeks.
How crazy.
I get the feeling that I just figured out how to be a good exchange student and now it's basically over.
It's like...
Leaving is going to be hard because of a lot of things.
My friends here are amazing, and I love my host family, and I feel like I still have unfinished business to attend to. Like going out more often or something like that. But Matthias says that looking back and regretting things won't help, because people are who they are and do what they do. He said that if I think I can improve or do better, then I can start tomorrow. "Not right now," he said, "because it's getting kind of late." Hahahaha.
People keep telling me that they're proud of me, and they give me reasons, but I still can't seem to grasp why. I don't feel particularly proud or unproud. I just sort of feel normal.
It's incredible the amount of emotions that have been stuffed into the last 9 months. I've felt depressed, lonely, afraid, worthless, tired, stressed, hopeless, stupid, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, ugly, mean, frustrated, misunderstood, blank, lazy, ignorant, jealous, jittery, powerless, reckless, defeated, homesick, bored, philosophical, enlightened, deep, better, free, powerful, excited, ecstatic, on top of the world, content, unique, strong, happy, peaceful, awesome, pretty, loved, understood, alive, helpful, changed, giddy, inspired, trusted, comfortable, accepting and accepted.
The worst feeling was when I thought life wasn't worth living anymore.
The best feeling was when the people who I thought would leave me didn't.
I've learned to stand up for myself and take charge of my own life.
I've learned that showing compassion is just as wonderful and meaningful as receiving it.
I guess life is just an ongoing process.
Gotta learn, learn, learn, learn, learn and don't ever let your lessons go to waste.
Tot ziens,
Emily